Disclaimer: This is the ONE and ONLY time I will talk about this subject on my blog. In fact, I may delete it within a few days. I wrote this because we're all human, we all have raw emotion, and this is serving as a form a therapy to get my thoughts and feelings off my chest.
In middle school there was a group of boys that made fun of me on a daily basis. They called me names and wherever I went, they were there waiting for me. They shouted words in the hallway, threw paper balls at me during class, loudly snickered under their breath which caused an uproar of laughter. I just sat there. And I laughed along. I laughed because I didn’t want them to see my hurt --that they had gotten the best of me. I was embarrassed and mortified and at the end of the day I would run into my bedroom and cry my eyes out.
It hurts to have someone bully you. To emotionally harm you. To bring you down to the point where you feel so small and worthless.
I’d like to say that it quickly ended and they moved on to someone weaker than I, but it didn’t. It went on for three years, until they realized they could get a better high off of drugs than from emotionally hurting me.
As each text rolled in, I sat there and read her strong choice of words. “DING”, the phone would say. It was an undeniable sound that another angry response was waiting for me. My face was hot; blood fiercely pumping through my veins as my anxiety arose, causing my body to shake. In my mind I wanted to tell her off. I wanted to call her names. I wanted to tell her exactly what I thought of her, but I didn’t. I simply told her that she’s being pessimistic and sarcastically said, “Thanks for the support.” But she wasn’t finished; she wanted to keep on telling me how I’m rude and poke at me by saying things like, “Poor poor Emily, getting personally attacked” and “You need to check your logic” and “You have anger issues that you need to deal with”.
It has been a long time since I’ve felt hurt like that. Felt the sting and cut from someone’s words. We all know the saying, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”. Well whoever said that obviously hasn’t felt the blow --repeatedly-- by someone who is supposed to love you. By someone who is supposed to support and lift you up in a time of need.
I sent her a text that said, “I forgive you and I apologize for anything I said that you see as rude.” But she still didn’t stop. She told me that it’s HER opinion, and she’s entitled to HER opinion, and there’s NOTHING I can do to stop HER. And she’s right.
But, here’s where she’s wrong. She has NO RIGHT to hurt me. She has NO RIGHT to attempt to bring me down. I’ve put up with this for nine years, and I’m honestly at my breaking point. I listened to her drunken ramblings over the phone. I’ve endured having to listen to how she hates my family and that she’s not a Christian because of people like my family. I’ve listened to her say negative things about my wedding day and create drama at my daughter’s first birthday. I’ve listened to her discredit my parenting. I’ve listened to her as she picked apart our conversations and turned them into something negative. Even through all that, here is the one that hurts the most --While we were driving, she flicked cigarette ashes (accidentally) at my daughter. We made her aware of what was happening and asked her to stop, she was so oblivious to her surroundings and how she makes others feel, that she only rolled her window up by an inch as ashes continued to fly on my daughter. Ron and I ended up protecting Krysta from the hot ashes by putting his jacket over her. I'm having an extremely hard time stomaching this.
Is this not a clear cut case of emotional abuse?
As I’m writing this, I’m in complete tears. I’m wondering, why is she still in my life? Why is she causing me such pain? Why do I allow it? The truth is, I don’t know. Each and every situation --big or small-- has gotten swept under the rug. She says, “We should agree to disagree”, and then we move on. We always just move on; nothing ever gets resolved. The bonfire is constantly being fueled with hate, with flames that continue to rise and fall with any and every unpleasant situation.
I always put my children first when making decisions. How will they be affected? How will their lives change? What’s the best route to take? I don’t want my children to be influenced by this situation. I want to be able to live my life with my family without this person judging me and constantly making a cheap jab. Ron says, “What are you going to do because at this point it’s obviously never going to get better”.
I may not always do things the right way or even the right things, for that matter. And I sure as hell don’t claim to know all the answers, but I do know this --I know the difference between right and wrong. This entire situation, this entire relationship is wrong. It’s flat out unhealthy.
I refuse to remain sitting down. I refuse to be the target. I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to feel this way. Most of all, I don’t want my children seeing me feel this way and believing that this is how a relationship should be.
Has is it come down to severing ties? When is enough, enough?
I’m praying for guidance, understanding, and the ability to fully forgive.