09 January 2013


I watched the sunrise, a sky of charcoal gray flowing into a deep indigo, until it formed into layers of pink and yellow as the sun streamed its rays across the sleepy landscape. As I'm searching for self guidance, it hit me that my goals for the future and my current outlook weren’t aligning. I’ve been focusing on freeing myself, but not having the courage to step out from under the heavy blanket of hurt. How silly of me to play this constant game of tug-a-war with myself. It's exhausting.

They say you can’t move forward if you continue to look back. I realize now, that I’ve been looking back for far too long…so much so that it’s hindering my everyday life. I often find myself daydreaming of past memories, replaying them over and over like a broken record-- wondering about the “what ifs”, “did I give it my all?”, “do I fight or flight?”, or “is this life’s way of working itself out? And if life is working itself out, am I stirring in the right direction?”.

I’m nervous putting all of this out there, but during the past few months I’ve been internally struggling with myself—pushing forward, but yet hold back; trying to let go, but still hopeful by continuing to hang on. I’ve been holding onto hope—hoping that things would naturally fall into place and everything would effortlessly smooth itself out. I’m a firm believer that the Ebb and Flow of life harmoniously merge together to walk hand-in-hand and form as one in a loving unity, but sometimes they have a fallen out and the scale isn’t quite balanced, resulting in leaning more on the “ebb” than the “flow”. Loved ones pass away, sibling are diagnosed with cancer, friends move on, children are bullied at school, and spouses deploy--there’s no control over these matters, this I’ve learned firsthand over the last handful of months. I’ve let the hurt sink in. I’ve let the hurt cut me to the quick. And I’ve let the hurt shatter me into a thousand pieces. I’m now taking matters into my own hands --the scars, the pain, the hurt-- and dropping Ebb like a bad habit. I’m determined, more than ever, to balance the scale once more.

I’m not the same girl, I’ve changed. With everything that I’ve harbored inside and quietly dealt with alone, I don’t have the desire to be the same girl. I’m stronger now, wiser, more in tuned to the intentions of others around me. And while I think daily about the things I can’t change, I’m ready to put it all to rest. It’s time to rebuild, to lay down a new foundation and start moving up—not forward, not backward…just simply up.

My brand spanking new shiny red boxing gloves are out of the box, and they’re a perfect fit. I’m fighting for myself, for better understanding of others, for acceptance of things I can’t control, for happiness.

I'm letting Flow work her magic and giving Ebb a taste of her own medicine.

It’s going to be a bigger and brighter year.


1 comment:

  1. Your children are just adorable and changing so much. Thanks for sharing your pain of the past. I will be praying that the new year will be much better for you. Gentle hugs!