It’s been five weeks since I’ve reflected on our small daily moments and memory banked the tiny details that have quickly faded with time. As the days overlapped into weeks, I’ve come to realize that I need this place; this sliver of space in the blogosphere-- a place where I lay down my words, my memories, my images to tell the story our life’s journey. I’ve missed casting light on our positive happenings and realizing that it’s the small things that makes this life so grand, like a cotton candy sunsets or golden baby curls.
Since Ron has been overseas, my emotions are wavering and my head is cloudy, making it difficult to muster up and pull my thought process fully to the surface. I’m treading on water-- unable to move forward, nor backwards, not sinking, but yet unable to rise. I thoughtlessly go through the daily motions-- get Krysta off to school, entertain William, clean, paint, lunch, nap, homework, dinner, dance class (depending in the day), dinner, bath, bed, repeat, repeat…repeat. I tell myself to focus, stay in control, keep a routine, slap on a smile, and all will be okay. But, while I smile and laugh and carry on, I’m screaming on the inside. It physically hurts to have an overabundance of raw emotion full of sadness, worry, and fear. I feel powerless and helpless, confined. I can’t speed up time or skip ahead through days, weeks, and months. I have no choice but to endure the mind-numbing lingering minutes that make up time until our family can again become whole.
Over the past two months that Ron has been deployed, there have been many incredible moments, times that I wish we could have experienced together as a family of four, and yet, there have been moments surrounded by triggers. Triggers that stop me in my tracks and hit me at my core-- a phrase, a song, a gesture, they all make time freeze to a breathless halt. Ron’s presence and memory is weaved and embedded in the fabrics of our everyday life, as it should. I can’t prevent the triggers or the emotions that follow, nor can I avoid them, so I will choose to embrace them. I will embrace the pain and frustration, along with the happy carefree moments, because in reality, embracing the good with the bad, and overcoming the difficult is the only way to truly be “okay”.
Today, I’m embracing moments like this one.
And this one.
There’s a saying that goes, “Do more of what you love.” Cheers to that! There’s something magical that begins to brew when we surround ourselves with pure heart-swelling happiness. For me, my love is my children, painting, and anything artsy, so it’s only natural that I paint my babies.
Below is a piece that I’m currently working on…
I’m slowly but surely starting to feel like my old self again-- finding love and joy in the things I do and extending that same joy and passion to my children. We’re embracing the loneliness and the hollowness together and turning it into our strength, our fuel to carry through the fight.
I have hope that life’s wrinkles and bumps with soon smooth out and fade and our journey’s path will lead to sunnier skies.
“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” Oscar Wilde