Since Ron has been overseas, my emotions are wavering and my head is cloudy, making it difficult to muster up and pull my thought process fully to the surface. I’m treading on water-- unable to move forward, nor backwards, not sinking, but yet unable to rise. I thoughtlessly go through the daily motions-- get Krysta off to school, entertain William, clean, paint, lunch, nap, homework, dinner, dance class (depending in the day), dinner, bath, bed, repeat, repeat…repeat. I tell myself to focus, stay in control, keep a routine, slap on a smile, and all will be okay. But, while I smile and laugh and carry on, I’m screaming on the inside. It physically hurts to have an overabundance of raw emotion full of sadness, worry, and fear. I feel powerless and helpless, confined. I can’t speed up time or skip ahead through days, weeks, and months. I have no choice but to endure the mind-numbing lingering minutes that make up time until our family can again become whole.
Over the past two months that Ron has been deployed, there have been many incredible moments, times that I wish we could have experienced together as a family of four, and yet, there have been moments surrounded by triggers. Triggers that stop me in my tracks and hit me at my core-- a phrase, a song, a gesture, they all make time freeze to a breathless halt. Ron’s presence and memory is weaved and embedded in the fabrics of our everyday life, as it should. I can’t prevent the triggers or the emotions that follow, nor can I avoid them, so I will choose to embrace them. I will embrace the pain and frustration, along with the happy carefree moments, because in reality, embracing the good with the bad, and overcoming the difficult is the only way to truly be “okay”.
Today, I’m embracing moments like this one.
And this one.
There’s a saying that goes, “Do more of what you love.” Cheers to that! There’s something magical that begins to brew when we surround ourselves with pure heart-swelling happiness. For me, my love is my children, painting, and anything artsy, so it’s only natural that I paint my babies.
Below is a piece that I’m currently working on…
I’m slowly but surely starting to feel like my old self again-- finding love and joy in the things I do and extending that same joy and passion to my children. We’re embracing the loneliness and the hollowness together and turning it into our strength, our fuel to carry through the fight.
I have hope that life’s wrinkles and bumps with soon smooth out and fade and our journey’s path will lead to sunnier skies.
“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” Oscar Wilde
Much Love,
Em
Good to read a post from you. I was just thinking about you recently and hoping you were doing ok. Enjoyed the photos you posted. Great you are doing some art work. I'm will continue to pray for you and your family at this deployment time. Think positive thoughts and hang in there. I'm sure it's not easy. Remember God is there for you, at all time! Hugs and blessings!
ReplyDeleteI cannot tell you how perfectly you have captured the emotions that come along with deployment in your writing. We really are helpless when we so desperately want to speed up time or perhaps just close our eyes and wake up four months later. Yes, it is painful. I also love your discussion about triggers that hit us in the core...this brings me back to thoughts of my own triggers when my husband is deployed...usally in the form of songs or seeing a commercil on TV of a couple enjoying time together, or walking down the wine aisle at the grocery store, knowing the wine I buy won't be enjoyed with him. Every one of us has our own. You are right to embrace them, because in time that will make you stronger. You will slowly continue to find more joy in your days as you get closer to the homecoming, even if it still feels like it's forever away. I promise it will get better. I promise time will go by.
ReplyDeleteYou might like to read my posts: "A Year Gone By", and "Good Grief". Both of them deal with struggles I went through during deployments, but after the fact realized that the time really was short. All the best to you as you grow and perservere. This is shaping you into one strong woman!